Inner Monologue Pt. 2

More thoughts to the inner monologue… Why do we have this part of us? What purpose does it serve? Is it something that just develops as we develop our language or is it preprogrammed into us as humans, part of how we process information?

I guess the answers to these questions are somewhere online. Before I go search them out, it fascinates me how we move between emotions and thoughts. It’s physical, emotional and then thought based information. In Bessel van de Kalks book “The Body Keeps the Score”, I learned the idea that the physical has the most influence on our being, then emotional, then our thoughts. Influence can move in the other way but it is a much slower process and takes a lot of time. It’s when we have physical pain that suddenly the rest of our being is influenced and our life is restricted. Yet when we have unhelpful thoughts, it takes a far longer time for them to affect our emotions (if they are around for long enough) which will eventually affect our physical posture and/or health.

So where does this inner monologue fit into this picture, and what can it tell us about ourselves? Probably little, though it perhaps provides a link between our emotions and our thoughts, the ones we direct. Seeing as the inner monologue works by itself from our subconscious, I could imagine it is helping or hindering habit formation. This is all pure conjecture and just a thought in itself that I may want to think about some more! Ideas that are going through my mind!

It is fascinating to observe and be aware of, unfiltered thoughts that spring up as I reflect!

Inner Monologue

Inside of all of us are thoughts. An inner monologue. Just being aware of these thoughts is quite something. I’m thinking of the thoughts that come to me in-between deciding and describing and working things out. Not the ones I think consciously, but those that come when I’m not “thinking”. The ones that fill the void and move around when I let go of directing my brain. It’s the subconscious instigated inner monologue that’s going on inside my head. My stream of consciousness. It’s so amazing what I think, the jumbled mambo that goes on. Really passive thought.

In order to write these words here I need to make sense of my thoughts. Yet as I am doing nothing, there are words going through my mind that just come and go. They talk to me from my subconscious. I was writing some of them down today on paper just to be aware of them and connect to them. I’ve done this before, but usually as I write somewhere my mind takes over and directs them. Still, I want to be aware of them in their pure form. They go something like this:

Here I am Saturday, no Friday night. La di da. Who what where when, in a little tired moment as its late. Yet I am still wide awake. Rhyming in the night, without fight moonlight. Let it go, blow. Something I may or may not know. Boom shakalaka. re ro ronk. Inner beginner, mardenate.

Just a sample. Tricky to capture as I can’t quite type as fast as they come and go, but I got a picture down here! It’s late so right now they make little sense, can be kind of creative and want to rhyme here. Yet take another time of day and they can be quite specific and vicious. I was experiencing some adversity this afternoon and they were just telling me how horrible I am, what a “failure”, “no energy”. Try another time and they are whispering to keep going, “you can do it” or “you know you want to”. So much information that is uncensored for it comes from my subconscious and often it just follows my mood. Just like the above text, as it’s late, I’m tired and out it comes all jumbled up.

From my observations so far, my inner monologue just follows my mood and is not based in a firm reality. A lot of the things that are said are just expression of my feelings and at times can be quite unhelpful or self-sabotaging. They are there for sure and they come into my mind and probably have a lot of influence on how I perceive the world and how I feel about it and myself.

Being aware of my inner monologue is my goal for the next couple of days. Writing some of them down for a sample, to get to know them and be more conscious at least of their presence. Always step one: being mindful and taking the time to stop and listen non-judgmentally to realise what’s going on. There is more to this than I am aware of and plenty to discover here!

Mindfulness

Thinking about mindfulness. How it is to be truly aware. Aware of my surroundings, using my senses, here in the moment. It’s amazing how much there is to perceive just sitting here in my living room. Smells, sounds, the feel of the sofa. The texture of cloth in the clothes covering my body. My breath, my inner being, the blood streaming through my veins. Even the energy flowing in my surroundings. I see the shadows and the light revealing some detailss to me and hiding others. Just taking a minute to sense and be, right here right now. It’s amazing how much is going on and how much there is to explore and sense in each and every moment. I’m amazed at how clever we are to be able to interpret our surroundings and process all the information into coherent pictures and feelings. The basis for the life we live!

Just taking that time to observe and be aware is really powerful. I try to do it often. It gives me space to be creative, to have ideas and to use my intuition. It’s like putting a stop and taking a step back from what I am doing to sense and feel. And it always feels good to have the moment. To really know where I am!

Leadership

I’ve started reading a book “Leadership Step by Step” by Joshua Spodek. It was a recommendation from my mother after hearing Joshua on a podcast. I listened to some of his ideas myself on another podcast and was very impressed. I guess it was his authenticity and way of expressing himself that caught me.

Back to the book - it’s a leadership course based on experiential learning. To do this through a book means there is an exercise each day. Yesterdays exercise (the first one) that carried over to today was to write an essay reflecting on what leadership means to me. The last paragraph of my essay is this:

I wish to apply my leadership skills in all areas of my life.  To be more persuasive, and socially inspirational. In my teaching and creating, in getting groups of people together to have them inspired with common goals.  To feel confident in organising people and getting deep commitment and to enable growth in all.  I also desire to create and find that it is an integral part of the creation process, being able to lead people in my ideas.

The exercise made me think a lot about leadership and what it is. It’s a very important a topic and one that I feel I can learn a lot about and develop my skills. The idea that I need to learn through practice makes a lot of sense here too. So I’m committing myself to go through the course/book and seeing where it takes me!

The Beginning

We all need to begin somewhere. Here it is 0:40 at night. I wanted to start this blog and as I was writing, my partner said do something “real”. This is something real! Expressing myself and exposing my thoughts through these posts that anyone can read.

This blog and its posts are going to be about me and my thoughts - my growth and where I am going. It is something that is personal and important to me. Through these posts I am trying to build a habit and in doing so get myself moving forward in small steps. By posting every day my aim is to become bit by bit a better version of myself. In sharing my thoughts I am being vulnerable. A lofty goal, but perhaps they will be an instigator for me to make a difference in this world!

I am thankful for the world around me, and all that I experience each and every day!

Good night!