Effort

Effort, everything needs effort. In a good way too, as I engage with whatever I am doing or thinking about.

There is the effort that is a pleasure. Effort that actually feels like no effort at all. Concentration pure and thought, as I follow a process or the next logical step with a goal in mind. It’s like a habit, if I know what I am doing or have a very good idea about how to do it, I don’t even question the effort it takes to move forward.

There is also the effort that is a struggle. Total resistance as each effort is met with a depletion of energy. Why is it a struggle? Maybe down to beliefs, maybe due to desire… Maybe just a lack of interest or the defensive mechanism inside that creates resistance or causes me to resist. It does come down to what I believe about a certain situation, whether my heart is in it or what purpose it serves. Having a meaning in anything I do certainly does help with motivation to keep going or inspiration to just jump in. They are my beliefs after all!

There is a question of mindset that can help with effort that is struggle. It’s to stay in a growth mindset and see the struggle as a learning opportunity. Realise what is going on and try to change the way I go about a task. See that the effort is creating resistance and try to can find another way that is more effective. In a sense it is looking to succeed in a difficult situation by developing myself, rather than giving up if a situation is too hard. This can be really satisfying!

One thing that I have noticed as being self employed is that I need to put the effort in and motivate myself. There are many things that I do and need to do where without them my life would not be possible… writing bills, preparation and origination of classes, etc. It all takes effort and is necessary to enable me to do the things I enjoy. Seeing the tasks as enablement is key here and makes them easier! In the end anything is what I believe it to be and holds a purpose that helps me to reach my goals.

It is important for me to keep the big picture in mind. Setting and refining goals, as well as holding a vision of my creations with meaning and purpose. This is something I will write about in the next days!

Random Thoughts

Short post tonight. One of the hottest days on record here in Germany. Sweaty! Time spent inside today and cooling off at the pool. I was also in Frankfurt this evening. It’s a vibrant city and I love the atmosphere for a visit!

I turned my negative beliefs that I wrote yesterday, into positive affirmations today. They were quite inspiring actually. I will continue with this process.

Further reading about the German theatre system: It’s more complex than I realised yet the same as many of my impressions from working within it. There was some information about the lobbying of politicians that theatres need to be involved in to keep their budgets. Makes sense as the money to provide the theatre service comes from public budgets and those responsible need to be reminded of what the theatre is providing. There was also the suggestion to be proactive as theatre leadership in discussions about theatre of the future and how this may look. This I find really important, for politicians who make decisions about theatres and the arts in general are seldom from the branch and therefore have less understanding as to the theatres needs and processes. A theatre director has a much greater insight as to the possibilities and any positive/negative consequences. Not that people can’t be wrong or make mistakes, but it is very important for arts practitioners with “skin in the game” to be a part of the process in decision making where possible.

“Skin in the game” is the concept that the person involved and has personal risk in the described situation and therefore has something to lose, meaning that the result is very important!

Beliefs

After writing about my inner monologue, the next topic in the “Leadership Step by Step” book is about beliefs.

Peter Drucker told the parable of the three stonecutters in his 1954 book The Practice of Management:

Many years ago, a passerby saw three workers cutting stones in a quarry. Though they were doing similar work, one looked unhappy, another looked content, and the third looked overjoyed. The passerby asked them what they were doing.

The unhappy stonecutter replied, “I’m doing what it takes to make a living.”

The content one answered, “I am a stonemason practicing my craft.”

The overjoyed one looked up with a visionary glance and said, “I am building the greatest cathedral in the land.”

Excerpt From: Joshua Spodek. “Leadership Step by Step”

It’s an interesting tale on many levels. Though the three stonecutters are doing the same thing, it is a matter of perspective as to what the task means. This of course comes down to beliefs. They are such a strong part of our make-up.

What strikes me is simply how easy it is to tell a different story about something one does. I water the plants so they don’t die can become I am growing a magic garden! In the end, one belief makes the task a chore and the other gives it meaning, turning it into a pleasure. But is it really this simple, especially if it is habitual or a belief held for many years?

The related exercise from the book involves writing down my beliefs on paper. I have just started so I am only discovering what is happening, but my first impression is that I am surprised at how many negative beliefs I have. Awareness is of course the first step to being able to change them. In general I consider myself a positive person, but the amount coming out as I was thinking of them was quite staggering. There were some similarities to the inner monologue exercise that I wrote about previously, though this time it wasn’t to do with my mood as such. With the inner monologue, negative thoughts came out that were quite harsh, depending on my mood. With beliefs, there are plenty of core beliefs, that though I try to believe otherwise through affirmations and “knowing better”, they are actually still there! Perhaps I am suppressing the negative beliefs and that is why they aren’t moving on?

Like a habit, a belief is perhaps hard to change (a belief in itself!). Well maybe it just takes some effort. I do believe that it is possible to change all beliefs! And perhaps if I believe that it is easy to change my beliefs, I will make more progress! Am I coming full-circle here?

Habits

Habits, habitual thinking, habitual ways of doing things. There is so much in my life that is a habit. Some good some bad. Habits to me are things I do without question. I just do them.

I’ve been trying and succeeding to set good habits from the moment I get up in the morning. I have a morning routine that I go through involving meditation, affirmations, exercise and reading. It really sets the tone of my day and I notice the difference if I haven’t gone through this process. It somehow settles me. I also do it without question, just getting up and going. Is it a loss of freedom to have a routine? No, not to me. It’s something that I definitely do for myself, so actually it is a pleasure. There are days where I am feeling lazy but somehow the longer I have been in a routine, it’s actually more difficult to not do it than do it. This is a habit!

So after setting a great habit in the morning, I am trying now to expand habits in my life. Sure there needs to be balance between time that I keep free and time that I preplan. Though habits can be other things too. Spontaneity can also be habitual? Perhaps! Habits can be always preparing for classes before I go to them. They can be how I execute or follow the rules in my trading. They can be simply eating healthy food and getting enough sleep. A lot of time habits are stronger than my self talk. And that is really impressive! It takes so much effort to talk myself out of following a habit. Especially a good one!

Blogging here is becoming a habit. Post number 7 today. Continuing to express myself and commit, for it is a commitment to post every day. I’m thinking that there will be a point where it could become a chore. Yet that is exactly the point where effort is required. At the moment I am just happy expressing my thoughts. It has become a great way reflection on things that I have been working on throughout the day. A small peek into what has caught my attention. I’m enjoying it so far and turning into a habit, one that I am committed to! So I will keep it up!!

Baumol and Theater Experience

Theater… I was reading Thomas Schmidts book on Theatre Management (in German - link) and in the first chapter there was an interesting idea that got me thinking - “Baumols’ Dillema”.

Baumol was an American Economist who coined “Baumols cost disease” (wikipedia) stating that because it takes the same number of musicians to produce a string quartet now as it did 200 years ago, there is no increase in productivity whereas wages have increased due to many factors, meaning the cost of production is higher now to produce the same quantity. This handily ignores quality and many other things such as inflation that affects the real value of wages, but it does ring true and not only for musicians but the whole arts sector in general.

I find the concept fascinating. It is a value question as to what the value of theatre and art is. The desire to be a business and to follow such concepts tend to be where where theatres get degraded. There is a natural focus (often out of necessity) to try to squeeze every last drop out of the employees, do more (productions, performance) with less (people, resources) and all for what is relative to minimum wage (at least for the qualifications and skills that the people bring).

Theatre, like education and public health services, are a social service provided by the government in Germany and though I am open to be persuaded otherwise, really this needs to be recognised for what it is, rather than pressured to be something else. Theatre is a social cultural service that is for the good of the quality of life in the city, rather than a money making enterprise. Sure, it needs to develop, grow and change to stay relevant with changes in society, but I believe that its place is even more important now than at any time in the last 50 years. And perhaps it is only becoming more important in this digital depersonalised age.

In the changes that we are rapidly moving through, digitalisation being the latest (though previously film and television took their toll), the focus on what makes theatre important should not be lost. My opinion, apart from being a great place for the creative arts to be seen, culturally developed, preserved and questions of society to be asked, is that today, a live experience is more important than ever. People can sit at home and watch whatever television show or film from their comfort of their own couch they desire, but to be there in a concert or performance is a whole other level. It is the live experience that makes a theatre so special due to its mode of delivery.

Live experience is something that a television can never deliver in the same way. It’s about being there and being able to use all one’s senses. To feel experientially with ones whole being. To connect with a moment that will never be able to be repeated. It’s the energy of being taken on an adventure where voices, movement and music is all created in the moment. Using all our senses, we sense what is going on, the non-verbal as important as the verbal, the distance to the performer, the interaction with an audience energetically and its exchange. These things are never replicable on the screen or on a CD. There is the beauty that two performances will never be the same, that this is a unique moment. And in my opinion it is this quality of experience that is what is so valuable. Artistic expression is important, art being created too, but they all feed back into the experience being created. Think things like personality, how a great performer holds his/her audience captive, direction, how genius ideas are presented in unexpected ways, sowing storylines together to take turns that push and pull the emotions of an audience member in every way. These are the experiences that I go to the theatre to see and be a part of. Especially when I can experience them live and in person the experience is 10x more powerful and enriching. They are the things that will always bring me back!

The value of theatre in many ways is immense. Perhaps there is need for greater awareness as to what makes it so unique. Its cost is actually very small in comparison to the value it provides society (in many other ways than are described here).

There is more to these thoughts, that I will expand on in posts to come.

Random Thoughts

More on the Inner Monologue:

One thing that struck me was the fact that we all have these negative judgmental thoughts. Feel adversity which everyone does and they are going to come. So really accepting them is kind of liberating and knowing that I am not alone thinking this way (its a natural human function) is very comforting!

Dance:

I’ve been thinking a lot about when people dance spontaneously. It’s often an outward expression of joy. It’s something we do naturally when we feel good. Of course it’s possible to dance at any time, but in feeling good is when it really jumps out. I start moving and dancing when I hear a really good song that I love, when I feel relaxed and in touch with my inner being, when I want to express myself especially joy. Thoughts have words, yet for me dance is a feeling and spontaneous dancing as such is the enjoyment of a feeling.

It’s a great barometer as to how I feel about myself, how willing am I to be vulnerable. The inspiration to move comes from something deep inside me. It’s me connecting with my self and being allowing vulnerability. Of course as dancers we call it improvisation.

These thoughts connect back to the inner monologue, in that through improvisation I can let go and follow a similar part of myself. One that isn’t under my conscious control. It’s non judgmental and free just expressing itself. By letting it exist and getting over / letting go of the judgmental conscious thoughts of fear of how I look or what am doing, I really can get closer to myself. The vulnerability level is 10! Out there, exposed and out of control. Yet it is so fulfilling as at the same time I am being seen, I am showing my true self and just as it is to say something meaningful, I am doing it with my whole physical being.

This song by the Australian artist Tones and I, I heard this morning and it has stuck in my head. It makes me want to get up and move!

Inner Monologue Pt. 2

More thoughts to the inner monologue… Why do we have this part of us? What purpose does it serve? Is it something that just develops as we develop our language or is it preprogrammed into us as humans, part of how we process information?

I guess the answers to these questions are somewhere online. Before I go search them out, it fascinates me how we move between emotions and thoughts. It’s physical, emotional and then thought based information. In Bessel van de Kalks book “The Body Keeps the Score”, I learned the idea that the physical has the most influence on our being, then emotional, then our thoughts. Influence can move in the other way but it is a much slower process and takes a lot of time. It’s when we have physical pain that suddenly the rest of our being is influenced and our life is restricted. Yet when we have unhelpful thoughts, it takes a far longer time for them to affect our emotions (if they are around for long enough) which will eventually affect our physical posture and/or health.

So where does this inner monologue fit into this picture, and what can it tell us about ourselves? Probably little, though it perhaps provides a link between our emotions and our thoughts, the ones we direct. Seeing as the inner monologue works by itself from our subconscious, I could imagine it is helping or hindering habit formation. This is all pure conjecture and just a thought in itself that I may want to think about some more! Ideas that are going through my mind!

It is fascinating to observe and be aware of, unfiltered thoughts that spring up as I reflect!

Inner Monologue

Inside of all of us are thoughts. An inner monologue. Just being aware of these thoughts is quite something. I’m thinking of the thoughts that come to me in-between deciding and describing and working things out. Not the ones I think consciously, but those that come when I’m not “thinking”. The ones that fill the void and move around when I let go of directing my brain. It’s the subconscious instigated inner monologue that’s going on inside my head. My stream of consciousness. It’s so amazing what I think, the jumbled mambo that goes on. Really passive thought.

In order to write these words here I need to make sense of my thoughts. Yet as I am doing nothing, there are words going through my mind that just come and go. They talk to me from my subconscious. I was writing some of them down today on paper just to be aware of them and connect to them. I’ve done this before, but usually as I write somewhere my mind takes over and directs them. Still, I want to be aware of them in their pure form. They go something like this:

Here I am Saturday, no Friday night. La di da. Who what where when, in a little tired moment as its late. Yet I am still wide awake. Rhyming in the night, without fight moonlight. Let it go, blow. Something I may or may not know. Boom shakalaka. re ro ronk. Inner beginner, mardenate.

Just a sample. Tricky to capture as I can’t quite type as fast as they come and go, but I got a picture down here! It’s late so right now they make little sense, can be kind of creative and want to rhyme here. Yet take another time of day and they can be quite specific and vicious. I was experiencing some adversity this afternoon and they were just telling me how horrible I am, what a “failure”, “no energy”. Try another time and they are whispering to keep going, “you can do it” or “you know you want to”. So much information that is uncensored for it comes from my subconscious and often it just follows my mood. Just like the above text, as it’s late, I’m tired and out it comes all jumbled up.

From my observations so far, my inner monologue just follows my mood and is not based in a firm reality. A lot of the things that are said are just expression of my feelings and at times can be quite unhelpful or self-sabotaging. They are there for sure and they come into my mind and probably have a lot of influence on how I perceive the world and how I feel about it and myself.

Being aware of my inner monologue is my goal for the next couple of days. Writing some of them down for a sample, to get to know them and be more conscious at least of their presence. Always step one: being mindful and taking the time to stop and listen non-judgmentally to realise what’s going on. There is more to this than I am aware of and plenty to discover here!

Mindfulness

Thinking about mindfulness. How it is to be truly aware. Aware of my surroundings, using my senses, here in the moment. It’s amazing how much there is to perceive just sitting here in my living room. Smells, sounds, the feel of the sofa. The texture of cloth in the clothes covering my body. My breath, my inner being, the blood streaming through my veins. Even the energy flowing in my surroundings. I see the shadows and the light revealing some detailss to me and hiding others. Just taking a minute to sense and be, right here right now. It’s amazing how much is going on and how much there is to explore and sense in each and every moment. I’m amazed at how clever we are to be able to interpret our surroundings and process all the information into coherent pictures and feelings. The basis for the life we live!

Just taking that time to observe and be aware is really powerful. I try to do it often. It gives me space to be creative, to have ideas and to use my intuition. It’s like putting a stop and taking a step back from what I am doing to sense and feel. And it always feels good to have the moment. To really know where I am!

Leadership

I’ve started reading a book “Leadership Step by Step” by Joshua Spodek. It was a recommendation from my mother after hearing Joshua on a podcast. I listened to some of his ideas myself on another podcast and was very impressed. I guess it was his authenticity and way of expressing himself that caught me.

Back to the book - it’s a leadership course based on experiential learning. To do this through a book means there is an exercise each day. Yesterdays exercise (the first one) that carried over to today was to write an essay reflecting on what leadership means to me. The last paragraph of my essay is this:

I wish to apply my leadership skills in all areas of my life.  To be more persuasive, and socially inspirational. In my teaching and creating, in getting groups of people together to have them inspired with common goals.  To feel confident in organising people and getting deep commitment and to enable growth in all.  I also desire to create and find that it is an integral part of the creation process, being able to lead people in my ideas.

The exercise made me think a lot about leadership and what it is. It’s a very important a topic and one that I feel I can learn a lot about and develop my skills. The idea that I need to learn through practice makes a lot of sense here too. So I’m committing myself to go through the course/book and seeing where it takes me!