Authenticity
I wrote a post about the Authentic voice in December, a lot about letting go of filtering to be more natural and speak ones mind. It’s about openness and honesty, creating communication and giving space for others to respond.
Well of course there is Authentic Movement too. It’s part of dance therapy and was developed in the 50’s by Mary Whitehouse and then continued by Janet Adler among others.
There is a lot of information in the book (Authentic Movement - Patrizia Pallardo) I am reading about Authentic Movement that I find really interesting. It’s the same authenticity that comes from the inner monologue of our thoughts, though with one main difference. It is an inner monologue of our bodies or physical feeling. I guess you could put it that it is heart based rather than head based.
Whitehouse talks about how as children we expressed ourselves with our whole bodies, when saying yes or no, when looking up or down and how as adults we have trained ourselves to show less in the name of secrecy and efficiency. Yet her opinion is that the body never lies and whether it is connected or disconnected, it is still expressing our real emotions in relation to any situation. You just need to look hard enough!
It is interesting as a study. I was in Paris over the weekend and went to a party. My French being pretty rusty and with a room of people I had only met for the first time, I took some time, just to observe both peoples body language as they were communicating with one another and also as they were dancing together. I had nothing to compare it against except for what was happening, but there was a lot of clear information about how they felt being expressed in their posture and movement.
I also liked Whitehouse’s thought “The body is dead. We give it life by moving!”
In the classes I give, I have been setting exercises with improvisation that actually (unknown to me) touch on the philosophy of Authentic Movement. Quieting the mind, getting in tune with the body, moving from ones own feeling place, going with the feeling and seeing where it takes one. There is more to develop in the improvisation exercise as to where to take it, but I do find that it is quite intuitive if one is true to the philosophy behind it.
My one comment to the experience of setting the exercise is that I usually see is dancers that start in their bodies but revert back to their head space. I am presuming this is happening, because they start with natural movement which is spontaneous and impulsive, yet at a certain point something changes and they move into doing stylised movement with clear forms. Sure, this is habitual movement that becomes clearer as the size of the movement expands, yet I am thinking that this comes more from a thought space than a feeling space. At least my perception (and I can be wrong) is that the impulses from feeling have less generic form and are more sensual. Or can it be we are just not aware of our habits!
Hopefully, if you continue to practice at something and give it some thought/reflection, you will get better at it. By connecting with ourselves, we definitely get to know ourselves better and experience physically how we feel. Authentic body movement as a continuation of body language helps this cause. In the end it is a connection with ones sensuality and a deeper experience of oneself.
Partner connection, Desire and Suspense continued
I have been working through the ideas that I have previously detailed in other posts and I thought I would write down some thoughts, observations and things that interested me.
There is something very instinctual in us that judges and senses the distance between people. The first time that I was consciously aware of this was a couple of years ago in a Somatic Experiencing session (on the basis of Peter Levine’s work). Somatic Experiencing works with the Autonomous Nervous System (ANS) to heal trauma in the body by working with the bodies regulation. (More information can be found here Somatic Experiencing Handout)
The exercise in question is briefly explained, where two people stand facing each other at a distance. One moves slowly towards the other and the person who is standing has the job to listen to how their own body feels and tell the other when to stop based on its reaction. There is a point where our nervous system reacts and shifts from comfort to discomfort. As far as I understand, due to the ANS being much quicker than our thoughts, it is not something that we can influence or decide, rather it is an instinctive reaction. The exercise has to do with boundaries, safety and recognition among other things. What interests me is the bodies response as well as the comfortable distance.
Now to link this to desire:
There is a specific distance that is comfortable. A little further away, either distances the two people causes one to want to move closer -> chase (elastic band effect) to maintain the connection creating longing. Should there be little interest, the connection is dropped.
If the distance is too close it goes in the other way. Being to close either causes discomfort in the ANS (stress), making one push away to maintain the comfortable distance. Should the interest be present, there can be an acceptance of the new distance.
The regulation of space between people has a better picture: a spring between two people.
“I can't live with you But I can't live without you” - Queen
Suspense is especially created, especially when the distance is uncertain or unclear depending on the level of interest. It is also created when the reason for change in distance is unknown.
Each person has their own personal space too, a distance that is often culturally defined as well as to do with one’s upbringing and natural needs.
In general coming closer to each other builds up in intensity. Pulling away creates tension.
It has often intrigued me with latin dance styles, that are based on partner work, what the attraction to them is. Maybe it can be explained as follows:
There is the close distance to a partner that is accepted as part of the dance.
The accepted roles (man leading, woman following) to be able to dance together and the physical and spontaneous (creating a small amount of uncertainty) communication that occurs. This creates a live connection.
There is the feeling (physical intimacy) as one is physically active in close proximity. There are also the continual (and natural) changes in the distance between partners through movement that pulls and pushes like an elastic band, all stimulating the nervous system.
In my dance classes I have been doing various exercises with different groups of dancers, simulating closeness and distance, varying the push and pull and adding in elements of uncertainty and spontaneous decision making.
What I notice is that it’s highly stimulating and a rush. There is a lot of adrenaline (sympathetic arousal) pumped into the body through doing the exercises. It has been described to me by a dancer as sensual…. I notice too, a sense of exhaustion afterwards, which could be due to the need to balance out the senses. The parasympathetic nervous system engages and calms the body down and balances it out.
The human connection is fascinating. Especially as a our reactions are seemingly out of our conscious control…
There is something too about how the situations influence the way we feel. It’s external as we are reacting to what is happening outside of us. It is a different stimulant to the feelings that arise from inside of us.
I go on about dance being an experiential learning form. We learn from the experience… That’s what is great about it…. And so am I!
Still many questions to explore:
I’m still wondering how this relates to self-expression in a broader sense? It’s definitely in the realms of feeling but different as it is externally influenced.
What is the connection between the internal feelings we have and the external?
Is it possible to transfer this to larger groups of people? Or does it have to be an individual?
Is it, the more we care about the person (level of relationship), the higher the intensity?
Partner Connection
What is partner connection? In dance it is a physical communication method to facilitate often synchronised dance movement.
It is the driver of suspense in physical contact. It gives information and signals that can be used to transmit power and energy.
We have:
tension or leverage connection <- ->
Compression connection -> <-
Neutral - -
The three types can also be separated into three contrasting modes:
leading and following where a pair have opposite reactions - one is pulling and the other is resisting but only to an extent that creates tension or leverage to create a movement. This slight resistance builds energy like an elastic band between partners allowing the pair to move “as one”
resistance where we are opposing our partner which can be seen as fight for control or a test of strength. This creates the energy between partners by tension or compression yet the elasticity is gone
neutral where there is no reaction. This can be either completely passive as no-one is creating tension/compression or when one partner pulls or pushes. Movement is contained in the body as there is no resistance from the partner resulting in movement only in the body part where one is manipulated This causes the energy to dissipate
There is a physical connection in feeling the signals from one to another. There can be a transference of control (depending on the type of dance/the movement) where one is leading (giving an impulse) and another is following. There is also a need to be able to understand and feel the amount of energy required to create resistance if so required, build tension or
Exercises to try:
Tension/leverage - moving as if an elastic band connects the pair, trying to maintain the set amount of distance and not let the elastic band fall. This can be done with distance or close by
Compression - the reverse as if a pole or rod is connecting the two. This takes out the elasticity and becomes more aggressive/static
Mixing the three elements of tension, compression or neutral together (perhaps better described as pull, push or relaxed) with a physical connection ie. holding hands.
In each of the exercises, there is no set leader, causing communication between the pairs.
Desire
Define desire:
Wikipedia (link):
Desire is the emotion of longing or hoping for a person, object or outcome. The sense of longing is excited by the enjoyment or thought of the idea or person. It causes us to want to take action to obtain this goal.
So what the f… is with desire? I mean seriously!!! I’ve been in this world 38 years and for some reason it is only now (and I don’t know why it has taken so long) that I recognise what it is and how much it plays a role in life!?! It can be personal relationships, work relationships, material, emotional or experiential. There are a lot more ways that desire works within us, as I am just scratching the surface. Yet the “law of attraction” seems to work well with them all. Not the law I desire something, visualise it and it will come to me type (thought this sometimes works well). I’m talking the desire that creates an emotional pull and feeds our irrationality, causing us to do things that we wouldn’t normally want to do, creating upheaval and turning our world upside down. Why is it that I am only just now learning about these things? Well better late than never ;-)
We all know about it. We were all teenagers with desires and pining, caught in emotional waves, perhaps rollercoasters. There was always things that attracted us and things that we were totally indifferent to. There was also the attitude that if we wanted something badly enough we’d get it, though that never really worked out for me. It’s so simple to say the grass is greener on the other side… ie. we want what we don’t have. But also, if we realise that something we always thought we could have, is suddenly not possible - not there for the taking… Boom! An instinctual flip to can occur, like the fight or flight response summoning energy to chase the object of desire.
Desire is the emotional feeling associated with a goal, the hope or fear of reaching it. It is the drive and motivation that helps us to find food and spurs us into action. Suspense is also a key component of desire.
“In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants and the other is getting it” - Oscar Wilde
Sometimes we desire that which doesn’t want us and that which desires us, we don’t want. Desire often created by the thing that we want but can’t have. Contrarily, to that which we can have, we are indifferent. So there is the thrill of a chase and the indifference to being chased. And both reactions cause a deeper intensity of feeling and/or longing.
“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it and your should grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful.” - Oscar Wild
There is a love of the game of desire. There is something riveting to the chase and the uncertainty. This is suspense that I have previously posted about. We all love the feeling of being alive and on edge. Some more than others of course, but it is attractive… There is also a lot to the build up of suspense over time. Its uncertainty heightens our emotional reactions and intensity, amplifying desire.
We also desire things that are perceived as scarce. Scarcity heightens desire and intensifies the longing.
Just as an unknown gap in time creates suspense, the longer desires are resisted, the stronger they become.
“Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained” - William Blake
There is another component here that affects desire. That is attraction…. It seems a fact, that you can’t hide attraction in the face of desire. It may be possible to play with desire and resist that which wants us or chase that which we want (object, person or goal), but should there be enough attraction, there is only a certain amount of resistance that is possible. Or contrarily as the quote suggests, should we not really want it, there is only so far that we will be willing to go / play the game. As soon as the chase in one direction is over, the lack of being chased will cause pursuit in the other direction only if there is enough attraction. Otherwise dissipation ensures, should it not be the case.
About desire I still have questions: Does desire deepen or develop attraction to certain things? And is the object of desire a need or desire the need itself?
Desire can also have to do with self-love. It is how I feel when I am in the moment. It is that I feel alive and on edge while desiring or that I am being acknowledged when I am being chased. It is the emotional feeling of importance - how I feel about myself.
Furthermore, is the object or goal the aim and desire its facilitator, or do we desire the game itself? It all comes down to how we feel. The more we want something, the stronger the feeling, and the more it doesn’t do what we want (is not under our control or is uncertain), the stronger it gets.
Further reading…
desire-in-relationships-what-really-causes-attraction
Suspense
Moving forward with feelings, I have a few themes that I am working through. They connect together so there may be some overlap. They are about being alive, the feeling of being on the edge. I will start with first one — suspense.
What is suspense? How do we create suspense? What are the ingredients that are needed?
Suspense is a state of mental uncertainty or anxiety. Suspense is also the anticipation of an outcome of a plot/scenario/result. It usually involves some risk, which heightens our senses and creates the uncertainty.
It comes down a lot to timing and expectation and anticipation. How long it takes for the moment to arrive? Is it as expected? Any gaps between the aspect of time and its actually occurrence create a void where suspense lives and grows.
Suspense is also created in irregularity. The sudden impulse that comes but is not predictable. The longer we wait for the moment even if we know it will occur, the greater the suspense. The Suspense turns on the nervous system heightening our capacity and focusing our senses. There is a distinction in different sizes of gaps effect. The large (day long) unknown gap moves into creating a feeling of longing, such an intense feeling - anticipation of the next event. The shorter gap creates intense pressure, its effect created in a compressed into a moment of time.
The length of the gap, heightening our feelings by exploiting the difference between expectation and occurrence, can be created for example through contrast in sequencing. After two impulses that were relatively close together or an impulse that occurs regularly, a longer unexpected gap before the next impulse creates uncertainty building up suspense. It strokes fears in our body that cause the build up of anxiety, not knowing when the next impulse is going to come, yet expecting it none the less.
Feeling wise suspense is the buildup of anxiety/ pressure/ tension through uncertainty, fulfilled by a rush of relief caused by its release. This can be and is manufactured! It is an internal emotion that drives us and is powerful enough to cause irrationality.
There is also a component of desire needed. The more we care about the outcome, the greater the suspense. It works best when it is personal or one feels a deep connection with the subject. When we care or are invested in the outcome, it heightens suspense’s intensity.
There is the experiment of rats being fed. When they are fed at a regular interval, they are calm. They trust that the food is going to be there at a certain time. When there is no predictability to the timeframe they are living on edge. The body kicks in a natural preoccupation with sourcing its next food/energy and therefore sets anxiety to move us in different directions ands give us drive all in the name of survival. It is wild!
Risk is also a big component to the intensity of feeling in suspense. It’s the definition of uncertainty. How much is at risk? Are there adverse outcomes that I can / can’t avoid / take. It can be as simple as rejection to life threatening situations. The interesting thing is that our body reacts through the nervous system in the same way. And it is exhilarating, making us feel alive!
There are many exercises that I can put into dance to replicate suspense. Two people running at each other with the aim of stopping as close as possible. Two people moving together in each others personal space with the idea of not touching each other. Both have a risk, uncertainty over an anticipated outcome which sensually are engaging. The first has time shortened to a defined moment, the second - the longer it goes the greater its intensity. Each delve into suspense through heightening the senses.
Suspense is also a key plot component, working around the same feelings and principles as above. The difference is we are the observers instead of the protagonists. Key is an emotional connection to the situation. This makes it believable. Again, emotional connection is created through authenticity and vulnerability, causing a basis for care.
It all links together… ;-)
My Process Creating Dance
There are so many ways to create dance and choreograph. Each has its own strengths and weaknesses. While I was in Australia I had a few questions from friends and peers as to my process, asking for some advice, so I thought I would give an insight as to my approach. Though it can vary my first point is to search for meaning.
The first place that I focus my attention and thought is in developing an idea. I ask the question of myself: what am I trying to express? The best ideas stem from a need or a deep burning desire… When I am quiet and take the time and space to just sit, feel and observe myself, there is often something deep inside of me that wants to see the light. A belief that is important to me or idea or observation that is bursting out of my core. It can be something that I would shout at the rooftops if I was given a chance, a theme that I could sit and talk about for hours. I have an inner need to express it… rather than, oh, that would be a good idea.
Of course there can always be limitations to what one can do. But I see these as a good thing that push creativity rather than stymie it. Sometimes the idea is externally dictated. This means I need to find my own perspective relating to it or a personal interest within the idea. I take this perspective, own it and then explore its meaning.
There can also be certain limitations and criteria due to the commission, dancers, budget, space and or time available to create. The framework is there and it is my desire to always make the most out of what is possible. It’s not to say that I shouldn’t be ambitious or demand more, but to work them to their limits. Though this framework is there, interestingly enough, it rarely affects my development of ideas tangibly.
Sometimes the idea also can be influenced or even constructed from pieces within the framework. Certain people, places, the space to be performed in or a musical track can provide inspiration, but then the end I make sure the idea stands by itself. It can be a curious interaction between two sides that develop both parts, but the idea definitely needs to be set before I move forward. It gives the impulse and direction even when the destination may be unknown. I know what the next step forward is!
Next comes a process of creativity with many questions to be answered. What are the facets of the idea that I find interesting and would like to express? Where and how can I find variation or contrast? Is there a narrative that I am expressing to make my point? Does the narrative make sense? I search for meaning and connection. A lot of the time it comes through association. For instance, drawing mind-maps really help here to get a visual concept and then a story line / piece order. With the mind-map I am starting the process of filling in the details. It is a process of top down work to start with a central point and then expand it and develop it into the minute. This repeats itself several times at different levels. The themes that spring out are connected and broad, subsections of the overarching idea, themselves containing sub-ideas that also have their own details. This can be feelings, conditions of the idea, experiments, pictures, visions in my mind, musical pieces that I feel represent the idea, a form or type of movement (ie. improvisation, clearly choreographed, duet, group mirroring, following…). I collect all are possible parts that I feel express the idea and refine them.
There is also a movement quality that I am searching for that represents the feeling expressed. A natural association with the state and its feel. It is really important that there is an authenticity to the movement, that naturally anyone can perceive the idea simply by observation, due to its coherence and our ability to read body language.
The sequencing or storyline is sometimes preset. Should I have any influence on how it develops, it is an intuitive process. Basically I am looking to take the audience on an emotional adventure where flow and contrast are balanced to create suspense and surprise. All of it must be believable.
It is at this point that I move into the studio and come to movement phrases, musical phrases, floor plans, beginnings and endings. A lot of this is inspired by spontaneity, though it can be preplanned too. As long as the idea behind what is being expressed is strong, allowing creative freedom within the tangible creation usually works well here. It is spontaneous ideas, the desire to play and experiment that works well. I believe that groups and working with the actual dancers can create more than I can alone, so I also bounce ideas off the people I am working with, set them tasks and ask them how they would interpret the phrases of movement. There are many moments that are thrown out or reworked. It is simply a gut feeling and an eye that I have developed for what works and what doesn’t.
In the forefront of what I am doing is to create with meaning. This means that every movement has a purpose, or a text to it. For every movement I ask myself why does the dancer do that? Does it fit with the idea to be expressed? Its reason can be superficial or deep, but having one creates connection and authenticity. By doing this it is allowing depth and connection to what I am trying to say, here filling in the actual minute details. They are always first created in draft form, then over the rehearsal process, developed and perfected.
Yes it is a complex and detailed process and that is the beauty of it. It’s what I am passionate about. I love and enjoy every moment from the inspiration to seeing a performance come to fruition. The depth of thinking and engagement and the effort given is very fulfilling and personally rewarding as I go through this process. If I am creating 1 minute of dance or 60, it is still the same. The only difference is how much I can expand and explore an idea in its presentation (meaning what an audience sees). The background work stays the same.
As I go through my next creation process, I will post snippets of ideas to give examples of what this all means!
My blog
I guess if you have been reading any of the posts on this blog, there are a lot of ideas being expressed and thoughts that are going through my mind. Sometimes it is a need for me to express myself, other times I try to make sense of new things that I have learned, ideas that I find important. It’s my little place where I am “thinking out loud”.
A lot of this comes back to personal development. I feel the best when I am growing and developing me. It gives me purpose and focus. My own evolution is forward movement, a place that is exciting and comforting at the same time. Writing these words is mentally stimulating, driving further thought and making the ideas concrete and real.
We all have a unique experience and perspective on the world that we live in and each and every one is fascinating. We all have stories to tell and interesting ones at that. Life is not just full of surprises, but full of intrigue and exploring its detail, getting to know more and more is inspiring and makes me thirsty for more at the same time.
That’s what I am going to continue writing on this blog as ideas come to hand!
Coaching Ice-skaters
Over the past 2 years I have been working with the kids from the RSC ice/skating club in Wiesbaden. It has been really interesting and fulfilling time, split into the summer and winter training. Really I have been finding my own way here, as I have not yet met others who are doing the kind of work that I have decided to do with them. And it has been a great experience so far. I have learned a lot from the kids as I hope they have from me.
There are many similarities to working with dancers in the process but also marked differences. I have also drawn on my experience of working with actors and singers, but also just regular amateurs. The marked difference is in the background and the values in terms of what they are trying to do. There is very little knowledge and awareness of movement outside the direct elements that they are trying to perform and as they are children, the life experience is different to an adult so an awareness of feelings and depth of performance is still in its infancy. So therefore there are two sides I have found important to work on — giving them an understanding for movement and an understanding of performance.
My immediate task in the winter months with the ice-skaters has been to work on their presentation in regards to their routines, to develop their performance quality. What has been explained to me, is that there is an amount of points that (should they complete the elements successfully) everyone gets in their competitions to do with technique, so where they can get an advantage is in the performance aspect, ie. presentation, movement quality, musicality… etc. So this is where I come in.
A lot of the following comments are general and the focus varies from child to child. I am working on the ice with the age groups 8-18 years old.
Often there is such a focus on technique that the children have almost no awareness for performance. When asked about it, It’s quite basic and rudimentary what they explain to me… that they should smile… and have tension/presence in their body. Even when the explicit intent of going through their routine with a focus on performance, instead of jumps and turns is there on occasion they will show some glimpses of presentation, that disappears after a few seconds as the next technical element comes into their mind (and the preparation for it). It’s not unusual to see them straining, as the technical elements are often at the edge of their ability and until they have mastered them (which can take the whole season) there is a sense of being overwhelmed.
Should this be the case, before it is even possible to work on presentation, some awareness exercises are necessary just to pull them back into themselves. Often as simple as getting them to breathe! Or having them open their eyes and with a soft focus take in their surroundings. The exercises bring them back into the present and allow them to be open to even talking about performance
The focus I have on the ice is coaching them one on one about performance/presentation taking about 5-10 mins for each child. It’s enough to get ideas across and give them something to work on for the next week. Because of my time constraints with other classes I teach, I only see them once a week, but I still feel my input is quite valuable. So what are the things I am looking at?
My first instinct is to ask them what the routine is about? Is it a story or a character? Is there feeling that they are trying to express? Is it inspired by the music? There are of course various answers and each individual is different, from the idea behind their routine and how it has developed over the season (as to my surprise, the routines can change quite a bit!). Most often the first response I get is blank… but after some suggestive impulses, ideas start flowing in their minds. It’s a start. It’s the macro or overarching theme that once established and “agreed upon”, can then be filled in with details.
The next part is going through the movements and defining them, fast - slow, strong - soft etc. and at the same time scripting what each movement is about. It is creating an association to each movement so that it has intent and purpose. Sometimes it’s pictures, sometimes it’s feelings, but each movement has an idea or an association. This comes back to the fact that we are always expressing something with our bodies whether we are conscious of it or not! So it is to give each movement no matter how large or small, important or not a clear image and one that fits and makes it look organic.
Something that I have also found quite valuable is looking at the moments when they are still and there is little choreography and to give them a greater presence and focus. While the technical elements can need concentration, the moments where there are more relaxed steps, there is scope to amplify the expression side of their performance.
This all does take time, but it is really worth it! For me watching and not being an expert at ice-skating, there is a huge difference in performance because though the jumps and spins are amazing, I still want to see real people instead of machines performing on the ice.
Then from week to week it is about holding them accountable and reminding them what they are trying to express. This is tough. I liken the performance side to a muscle — if you don’t work it, it won’t develop or get stronger. It’s tough due to the size at hand of processing so much information as well as mastering the technique. And definitely in the beginning, as holding a feeling for a two minute routine where one is thinking about many other aspects takes practice and effort. It needs to be done every time, which is of course not what happens. We often have two steps forward, one step back moments where I sometimes wonder where all the work that I have done with them has gone. But then I also get big surprises, where suddenly situations where I feel I am getting nowhere, blossom to life. It’s part of the challenge and a fulfilling one at that. It’s where I learn and grow with each individual, as the concept of how I work with them stays the same, but the approach and information they need to take the next step forward varies immensely!
There is also a lot to be said for the approach that they take to their routine. In a high performance, competitive sport there is a lot of pressure to improve, develop and deliver. But there is a lot to be said for the kids who have the ability to play with their routines. Yes they are trying to perfect a routine and present the best performance possible, but in training, an approach of trying things out, finding ones own way, consciously varying slightly movements and seriously playing in a relaxed manner does wonders. Effort is needed, but the effort that grows rather than restricts. And an ability to play allows it to be!
Melbourne
Melbourne! Well I’m here. There is something about returning to my home town, the place where I grew up that is soothing to my soul. It’s interesting because it’s a part of my identity and travelling here is going back to my roots. It feels a like a pilgrimage to come back here. These trips are also like markers. When I first left Australia, I use to come every year in the European summer break - Melbourne winter and so it did really represent a year of my life. These days it has been every two years and now in summer for Christmas. It’s the middle of a European year, but it is a marker all the same. I use the time also to really reflect on where I am at, what I have achieved and where to now. There are always so many questions to answer and the time, space and support in being around my family and familiar comfortable surroundings really do help.
In being in Melbourne, there is something more that I connect with here that is much deeper than the people I see and spend time with. It’s familiar and reassuring. I have now lived half my life away from this country in Europe. The experiences and adventures I have had since I moved away have built my life as it is now, but there are places, sights smells and a warmth here that I will never cease to love. The light in summer is breathtaking and bright. The sun thaws and warms my heart. I love the brown dry climate and the ruggedness of the Australian bush. And then there is the space. The sense that space is limitless, unbounded and a perception of physical freedom. I always have a much better connection with space here, being able to run or move without feeling that the wall is close by.
After such a long time away and such infrequent visits of late, my connections here and friendships have suffered. Like anything they need effort if there is to be any growth and I just haven’t been putting that effort in. But I do really appreciate the time I spend with my family here. I also notice that I read the body language of people easier in Australia. It’s so familiar and tells me a lot more about how people think and feel. It is of course what I grew up with!
There are some values in my life that are the same and also some that have changed. As I reassess many parts of my life, I realise that I have changed and evolved from certain ideals that (a big generalisation) people here find important. It’s not good or bad, just different. It is what makes me Matthew and is unique coming from my own personal experience that no-one else has had. There is more to this thought too.
Living in a country that is not the one I grew up in, there is a part of me that finds myself not being/identifying with either here or there. Yet it hasn’t really ever bothered me either. As I left I always saw the move to a new country/continent as an adventure which life in itself is anyway. And the richness of this experience has meant that I have lived more and seen more and grown by being in different places at different times. I get back to needing to connect to Australia as an anchor point and needing to visit, yet I am rarely “homesick”. Perhaps the best way to describe it is, it is like a well that now and then needs replenishing. A source of inspiration to draw on that’s there when I need it.
Coming from Melbourne, there is something too about being in a big vibrant city. It really resonates with me. The energy of the place that has a buzz and a life of its own. There is also a certain anonymity when going around, as well as a sense of endless possibility. But it is the drive that really inspires me like a vortex. A faster pace of life that sits better with my natural rhythm. It’s also something to think about!
Growing up in this country I was instilled with the belief that I could do or be anything I desired. That anything is possible. A growth mindset. Somewhere along the line fixed thoughts came in that limited my imagination. Perhaps it was me taking on outside prejudice or the thoughts of others, or even just trying to conform or seek acceptance. Or perhaps not taking failure well or even a lack of desire to push further against resistance when things didn’t work the first time. Leaving Australia didn’t reverse this change in thought process directly but it did offer new opportunities that I am forever thankful for. And it’s never too late to go back to a growth mindset which I am doing. Ironing out limiting habitual thought processes and beliefs!
Though my home is somewhere else, over 16k km away, visiting this place reminds me that I will forever, as in the haunting words of Peter Allen’s song “still call Australia home” .
Speaking with an Authentic Voice
These thoughts come from a couple of months ago doing another exercise out of the “Leadership step by step” book by Joshua Sprodek.
Speaking with an authentic voice. What is that? The idea of the exercise is to say whatever comes into ones head unfiltered. The same words that I was talking about on my post on my inner monologue. It is to express the thoughts that are my inner monologue, honest and raw, verbally.
I’ve been experimenting with this idea over time and it has had quite an effect. There are definitely times and places where one needs to be more guarded or thoughtful, but in all it does help to connect with people and breaks down barriers to communication.
I must admit, I have always wanted to work out ways to break down social barriers or just fears of being unable to connect with someone simply because I don’t know what to say.
To start off expressing an authentic voice, begin by talking to oneself in one’s own space where nobody can hear, just to practice expressing these thoughts. Then after a little practice starting with people one knows or trusts.
Speaking in an authentic voice actually has a profound effect. I feel like I am being myself more and perhaps others also sense this. I do express my opinions more often and it can cause offence. It does create sometimes some difficulties, but it also has a vortex sense of pulling people closer due to the honesty of expression in saying what is perhaps obvious, honestly and a certain amount of vulnerability that it fosters.
I have noticed that it’s not a great thing to do when I am highly emotional, which ironically is what I feel I need to do when I am in that state. It’s more a time to hold back a little until I find a sense of calm to sort my thoughts.
But in everyday situations it helps me to strike up conversations and be more open to others.
I do want to add something about my situation. I live in a country where the language is not my first language. As well as I can speak it and I would consider myself fluent enough to be understood on any idea I express, there are barriers due to my vocabulary or different social norms or also just the way that German people interact, the level of openness and connection.
Interestingly enough as I moved away from Australia and started speaking different languages I seemed to build connections with others quite quickly. And some of this I put down to only knowing a limited amount of words and therefore, pretty much always saying anything that came into my head. It was always very direct and concise, yet authentic at the same time!