Emotional pain...
It’s getting deeper and darker here! Thought I would write about pain and suffering… it’s a feeling that is tough and one I totally want to avoid, but it does come up in my life and has it’s place. It’s a tension in my gut, stress in my heart and a general closing in of the world around me. My awareness is so limited and I jump into survival mode. I catch myself not breathing and need to consciously take a deep breath to get myself going again. Feeling hurt is a struggle. It’s emotional pain. I find myself physically curled up whether seated or lying down. I find myself in a place of inertia, hardly moving. It takes effort but does help to stretch myself out and rise up… following the breath. Small steps to get my energy flowing again.
Verbally, emotional pain is a really hard to thing to express and when I try I seem to get run over by emotions. A lot of the things I say are extreme and hurtful whether to me or others. There is something instinctive about wanting to hurt others, as if that would be a way to feel better. Because I’m hurting, I am going to make you hurt too. Perhaps it does help for a moment releasing energy in a fight response, though it creates pain for others. So in that sense it’s “valid” but can be very destructive. I think from hurt is the place where I have done most damage to my relationships. My ability to listen to someone else is gone and I only want to put across my own point of view. I can laugh now at conversations I have had where I have tried to express my thoughts and another has tried to express theirs. I often know what they are saying and realise it has nothing to do with what I am saying, yet I can’t bring myself to listen or respond because what I have to say seems so important in the moment! The pain talking and playing havoc with my communication skills?
It’s interesting the way pain plays out because we have the three responses - fight, flight or freeze… Freezing will most likely traumatise us. Fighting is pretty destructive, so flight is perhaps the best option. What I am thinking of here is emotionally stressful situations where, though my life is not in danger and such a response would be necessary, my body is reacting as if such a situation existed… it doesn’t know the difference. And so I have this instinctive nervous reaction. Perhaps the pain I am talking about areare two different things… one is the exact moment of the “shock” or trigger causing the pain and then second is the pain that exists and later needs to be healed. A broad arc at least?
As I sit and think of pain, I can activate the fight response by boxing like a prize fighter in the air. It feels good and well, I always win! It can get really intensive, but at the same time it brings a char grin to my face. I’m sure if I looked in the mirror my eyes would be twinkling!
I’ve also experimented with my daughter in activating the flight response. She use to struggle with a fear of separating in the mornings at kindergarten. She’d hold me tight and never want to let me go. By getting her to run and wiggle her legs in the air for a few moments (simulating flight/running away) she calmed and was fine.
I can remember too, myself, after arguments having to remove myself from the situation and walk. Get out in the fresh air - anyway other than here, to shout and scream for myself to let the energy go.
Another time I can remember my son being so frustrated at his homework that he broke down crying and couldn’t process a word. It’s interesting because he freezes pretty much and becomes physically stuck. I’m not really sure what happens next. It seems if he sits there crying, he can’t continue, but if he runs out and slams the door etc. he’ll calm down and be able to refocus.
What I find interesting is the physical process and how much it helps. I’m always amazed at the body, how much is instinctive and how powerful it is to self heal. It’s intensity of emotion and physicality - another way of expressing ourselves. Extreme situations, yet intensity seems to bring out more of us!