Sundays Musings
I’m feeling kind of humble after the last week. Quite a few habits that I thought I had put behind me crept back in. It just reminds me that life is a learning process. Setbacks are great to help me to grow and improve. And I realise I continually I need to keep up with my own standards and the best of me.
This past week it was It was little things. Being under prepared for classes… Sure they still went well, but I couldn’t enjoy them as much as I should and they sucked my energy rather than replenishing it (as they often do). I kept repeating mistakes in trading that I hadn’t done for many weeks. I frustrated myself to the point where I wasn’t thinking clearly. The one of the biggest assets in trading is having a clear mind to process information in the moment as decisions need to be taken in real time with a certain amount of pressure. It’s living on the edge, kind of a replacement for live performance… maybe that’s why I enjoy it. I did manage to take a step back and observe, moving away from the frustration, so that is a positive. But by letting frustration get to me for a while, suddenly the depreciating self talk kicks in. It’s there and always will be, to hit me when I feel vulnerable.
And what was my reaction to this adversity this week…? Avoidance. My time spent on social media increased as a way to escape, leading to me being less prepared and achieving less from the week.
Ok, perhaps I am being a little hard on myself here. I did manage to do all I needed to do and though I could have done more or found a better emotional state, sometimes energy and productiveness does ebb and flow.
I think there is one thing typifies what I was going through. It comes back to the “Leadership: Step by Step” book that I keep putting down and picking back up. The task was: as I feel unwanted emotions to work out what beliefs contribute to them?
It’s been really tricky to engage here. I have avoided the task, even in and of itself (to start it). And as I attempt to do it, I catch myself distracting myself by suddenly wanting to check e-mail or listen to some music, as I am attempting to write and think. Avoidance pure!
So what is in this? Well, yes I am avoiding the difficult emotions, but also the beliefs that lead me to them, which of course is the point of it all!!
Eg. Feeling unworthy:
I believe I never learn from my mistakes
I believe only people who are perfect are worthy
I believe my worth is reflected in how much I achieve
I believe I am not good enough
Feeling overwhelmed:
I believe only busy people are of value
I believe I need to push myself to do more
I believe life is a struggle and I will fall in a ditch
I believe I have to fight the feeling
I believe I am alone and isolated
Amazing how much relief I feel as I type this. As I write these beliefs, I don’t judge them. But I do see how irrational they may be. Without highlighting them and by avoiding them, I keep getting stuck in a circle of subconscious beliefs that hang there in my mind, keeping me in protective behaviour and robbing me of the energy I need to bubble and feel free. The energy that drives me!
There has always been a struggle inside me with negative emotions. It’s a habit of wanting to deny their existence, which never works. Maybe it’s cultural or upbringing, but I am totally responsible for the way I behave and think. Expressing them and their accompanying beliefs does actually feel good.
I’ll admit I’ve never really had a handle on self-worth. I know that I should believe that I am worthy no matter what, but there is a difference between knowing something and feeling it! And really one’s worth should have nothing to do with other people. But as I say that, I don’t believe it does have to do with others, but a feeling in me says that it does?!?
The gaps between thoughts/knowledge, beliefs and feelings! At least awareness is the first step to resolving them!!