Overwhelmed

Here is a post that is personal. It’s something that I want to write about, yet it’s a vulnerable subject. I’m doing it because I think it is important.

There is a state that I sometimes find myself in - feeling overwhelmed. The feeling is extremely powerful and stops me in my tracks. It’s a type of panic. In the moment, I don’t know what to do. I feeling like I want to escape by any means possible yet somehow I am able to continue. It’s an internal feeling that I doubt is obvious on the outside, yet its power is immense.

I don’t have a need to run away from feeling overwhelmed though it is the feeling that I get. Perhaps I should try this figuratively speaking! Anyway, somehow in the moment I manage to continue by nudging myself forward step by step. In the end being overwhelmed is a mental/emotional state. I realise that the feeling and moment doesn’t control my life and there is actually nothing that is an immediate present danger. Yet the feeling does reoccur more often than I would like.

Overwhelming feelings come from three distinct situations that I can identify: being underprepared, splitting my focus and lacking an overview of the necessary tasks in front of me (feeling like I have too much to do).

Lack of preparation is really my own responsibility. Most tasks that I have to do each day are known. I don’t always know the contents of the tasks but an outline is almost always there. Why do I not prepare myself enough even though I know it helps to avoid this feeling? It’s a very good question! I am all about effort and preparation is a necessary effort that really helps me in my life. Perhaps it is simply because I can get away with minimal preparation. There is also a side of me that likes the spontaneity of just making it up as I go. I never really lack for ideas so that is also a reason. I do believe however that being prepared would lead to greater quality in all that I do and I have proven this many times to myself. So it is a decision that I am very much in control of, how I want to feel in relation to preparation.

Split focus is a big issue. It comes down to the number of different tasks I do. The number of different classes I teach is an issue. Kids to adults, different genres of dance, people from different backgrounds. Then mixing this with everything else… choreography, market information, management and organisation of my work and my own life (paperwork), bringing up my children, being a great attentive partner, organising the household, keeping up social relationships, my own personal development in reading and learning. It’s a large and very broad amount of different focuses that don’t always interconnect. Most of them are part of my life and ones life in general. There isn’t a lot of room to adjust without making sacrifices that I am loathe to make. I could teach less classes, but this means less money. I do enjoy the variety of people who I teach, which is what attracts me to the different jobs. Creating is a need which I neglect often simply for other tasks get in the way, but it is my passion and a refuge when, due to its immediacy, is my main focus. My relationships are very important to me and the effort there is always worthwhile. Learning about the markets is something that I am also very passionate about and the time I put in I feel is also very valuable. Monetarily not so far, but the amount I have learnt about myself, my behavioural patterns, discipline, beliefs, mindset, process, the need to be right vs. accepting failure as a learning experience… the list goes on. I have no easy solutions to my split focus conundrum.

There is the philosophy, which I do believe in, that says do one thing give it your total focus and do it well, rather than doing two or more and only achieving mediocrity. It is a place where I feel I am a little stuck right now and something that I will write more about. Perhaps it comes down to my lack of a desire to make a firm decision on my life’s direction. Leaving dance full-time created opportunity, but also expanded my interests. I do enjoy the variety and “freedom” of multiple focuses I have even though it creates some adversity.

At the moment everything I do feels like a jigsaw puzzle. All the skills that I am learning are slowly fitting together for a more concrete purpose. Yet where is it that I am actually going/what are my goals in life? Another topic for a new post.

Keeping an overview of my tasks is a simple enough and can help me to be more organised and provide me with a better structure. The moment I feel overwhelmed by the unknown, just simply taking the time to write down my tasks, make a plan and visually being aware of everything that is coming up - through a diary, releases the feeling of being overwhelmed. This is quite easy to do and get on top of.

So the three drivers of feeling overwhelmed are actually interrelated and connected. I have set out some goals here to plan better and take the time and effort to prepare that can move me forward. Life focus is something to sort out and an ongoing process. It provides me with much growth and I am consistently learning and growing. The effort is worthwhile!