Being seen...
Something I think about often is how important it is to be seen. Truly seen for who we are, our authentic selves. And in doing so, to receive empathy and acknowledgment from others.
It’s not a basic need as in shelter or food, but it is the basis of human interaction. It is the basis of connection, real connection and at an authentic level it is fulfilment pure.
Think a child crying out for attention. It is crying to be seen, to have its needs fulfilled especially by caregivers when it can’t take care of them itself.
Something that is really growing on me is how much the need to be seen can explain peoples behaviour. My own too. How inspiring it can be, how divisive it can be, how it drives us, how fulfilling the moment feels and perhaps how easy it is to give someone the present of being seen.
To truly be seen, we need to present to the world our authentic selves . Open and honest, present in the moment. Anything less is hollow. Being seen and recognised for playing a role or pretending to be something other than our true selves is empty. Any recognition or praise received passes us by as it is praise for something we are not. Being seen truly needs authenticity, a connection to our own inner being.
An example of this is the insatiable feeling that social media gives and the hollowness of this connection. The aspiration to be seen and connect makes it so addictive, but it leaves a hole - type of being seen is always authentic. It’s a partial view, a picture that one curates of oneself, lacking physical interaction to make it whole.
Another thought around being seen is how we give attention seeking behaviour a bad name. Really it the desire for connection. Some do it by offering, some by withdrawing, even conflict has often the motive behind it - to be seen. If it didn’t, then why would one bother.
It often links to our need to feel important. Being seen gives us this feeling of importance. People looking up to you or recognising you for who you are. If it is not there sometimes it is demanded!
If we reframe attention seeking as the need to be seen and connect, how does our perspective change to people who behave in a hurtful or disrespectful manner? What is their true motive for this behaviour? Could it be because they want to be seen? If they didn’t, would they even have the urge to say anything. I must admit being on the other side of such behaviour is tricky. Sometimes I wonder how to handle it? It’s tricky because rewarding bad behaviour reinforces it as a way to get the attention needed.
Perhaps the best way is to be like a mountain, immovable and unreactive to the behaviour. Realise it is their “need”. Find a way to make them feel seen, without addressing their problems/the situation, by being empathetic to what they are feeling. Recognising their feelings without being moved or afflicted by their insults or demands.
How do we see people?
Through being present: in the room or vicinity of someone and there in the moment, open.
Through eye contact: looking someone in the eyes regulates and connects at a deeper level.
Through mirroring: physical mirroring puts you into the feeling place of the person in front of you.
Through being empathetic: sounding out the feelings of another and expressing them.
Through acknowledgement: recognising achievements, presence.
Through authentic and honest appreciation: thanking them, expressing gratitude for who they are, what they do, being here.
Find something that you like about the person, or them in this moment: Giving a compliment about a quality they have/show.
Finding the words/gestures to make them feel seen.
To me, the feeling of being seen is like a bucket with a small leak. It gets filled by the above actions, yet slowly leaks over time. Being seen is also a mutual pleasure, seeing someone is simply connecting on a deep level. That moment is so fulfilling and has a lasting effect and in giving such a gift, it is also gratifying and allows reciprocation. Can we say in life all we are searching for… is to be seen?
Personally:
I like being seen authentically for who I am. It is a feeling like no other. Being introverted, it means I don’t necessarily search out the spotlight, but I certainly do enjoy it! Over many years as a performer on stage, honest appreciation felt amazing. The times when it didn’t were whether I could accept it myself, the praise. And this had more to do with me than others.
In my communication I am authentic. I say what I think and mean. I guess at times I do hold back, just to recognise a situation and getting a feel for where I am and its dynamics - attune. This is where I sometimes I get a feeling of floating and not being seen. Though how can one expect others to see you if you are not open and vulnerable? My greatest connection and resonance to others comes when I am open and vulnerable.
I think I could see others more. Engaging eye-contact is really simple, being present too. Engaging, listening actively, empathising, appreciating… all great social skills that need practice!
There is also the question of who we want to be seen by? It’s not all equal. For some reason, if someone tells me all these people are interested in me, my work, etc. it’s a nice feeling but I’m like whatever! Maybe that’s a limiting belief that I need to work on…
Who do I want to be seen by is affected by what this person means to me/represents? Being seen by people who are important to me socially, professionally, carries a lot more meaning. So it is not just being seen, but being seen by the people who we want to see us…!! And then why is it that when I don’t care about who sees me, I allow myself to be out there vulnerable, authentic and free? In doing so: being seen!?!