Desire

Define desire:

Wikipedia (link):

Desire is the emotion of longing or hoping for a person, object or outcome.  The sense of longing is excited by the enjoyment or thought of the idea or person. It causes us to want to take action to obtain this goal.

So what the f… is with desire?  I mean seriously!!!  I’ve been in this world 38 years and for some reason it is only now (and I don’t know why it has taken so long) that I recognise what it is and how much it plays a role in life!?!  It can be personal relationships, work relationships, material, emotional or experiential.  There are a lot more ways that desire works within us, as I am just scratching the surface.  Yet the “law of attraction” seems to work well with them all.  Not the law I desire something, visualise it and it will come to me type (thought this sometimes works well).  I’m talking the desire that creates an emotional pull and feeds our irrationality,  causing us to do things that we wouldn’t normally want to do, creating upheaval and turning our world upside down.  Why is it that I am only just now learning about these things?  Well better late than never ;-)

We all know about it.  We were all teenagers with desires and pining, caught in emotional waves, perhaps rollercoasters.  There was always things that attracted us and things that we were totally indifferent to.  There was also the attitude that if we wanted something badly enough we’d get it, though that never really worked out for me.  It’s so simple to say the grass is greener on the other side… ie. we want what we don’t have.  But also, if we realise that something we always thought we could have, is suddenly not possible - not there for the taking… Boom! An instinctual flip to can occur, like the fight or flight response summoning energy to chase the object of desire.

Desire is the emotional feeling associated with a goal, the hope or fear of reaching it.  It is the drive and motivation that helps us to find food and spurs us into action.  Suspense is also a key component of desire.

“In this world there are only two tragedies.  One is not getting what one wants and the other is getting it” - Oscar Wilde

Sometimes we desire that which doesn’t want us and that which desires us, we don’t want.  Desire often created by the thing that we want but can’t have. Contrarily, to that which we can have, we are indifferent.  So there is the thrill of a chase and the indifference to being chased.  And both reactions cause a deeper intensity of feeling and/or longing.

“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.  Resist it and your should grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful.” - Oscar Wild

There is a love of the game of desire.  There is something riveting to the chase and the uncertainty.  This is suspense that I have previously posted about.  We all love the feeling of being alive and on edge.  Some more than others of course, but it is attractive…  There is also a lot to the build up of suspense over time. Its uncertainty heightens our emotional reactions and intensity, amplifying desire.

We also desire things that are perceived as scarce.  Scarcity heightens desire and intensifies the longing. 

Just as an unknown gap in time creates suspense, the longer desires are resisted, the stronger they become.

“Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained” - William Blake

There is another component here that affects desire.  That is attraction…. It seems a fact, that you can’t hide attraction in the face of desire.  It may be possible to play with desire and resist that which wants us or chase that which we want (object, person or goal), but should there be enough attraction, there is only a certain amount of resistance that is possible.  Or contrarily as the quote suggests, should we not really want it, there is only so far that we will be willing to go / play the game.  As soon as the chase in one direction is over, the lack of being chased will cause pursuit in the other direction only if there is enough attraction. Otherwise dissipation ensures, should it not be the case.

About desire I still have questions:  Does desire deepen or develop attraction to certain things?  And is the object of desire a need or desire the need itself?

Desire can also have to do with self-love.  It is how I feel when I am in the moment.  It is that I feel alive and on edge while desiring or that I am being acknowledged when I am being chased.  It is the emotional feeling of importance - how I feel about myself.

Furthermore, is the object or goal the aim and desire its facilitator, or do we desire the game itself?  It all comes down to how we feel.  The more we want something, the stronger the feeling, and the more it doesn’t do what we want (is not under our control or is uncertain), the stronger it gets.

Further reading…

desire-in-relationships-what-really-causes-attraction

Suspense

Moving forward with feelings, I have a few themes that I am working through.  They connect together so there may be some overlap. They are about being alive, the feeling of being on the edge. I will start with first one — suspense.

What is suspense? How do we create suspense?  What are the ingredients that are needed?

Suspense is a state of mental uncertainty or anxiety.  Suspense is also the anticipation of an outcome of a plot/scenario/result. It usually involves some risk, which heightens our senses and creates the uncertainty.

It comes down a lot to timing and expectation and anticipation.  How long it takes for the moment to arrive? Is it as expected? Any gaps between the aspect of time and its actually occurrence create a void where suspense lives and grows.

Suspense is also created in irregularity.  The sudden impulse that comes but is not predictable.  The longer we wait for the moment even if we know it will occur, the greater the suspense.  The Suspense turns on the nervous system heightening our capacity and focusing our senses. There is a distinction in different sizes of gaps effect. The large (day long) unknown gap moves into creating a feeling of longing, such an intense feeling - anticipation of the next event. The shorter gap creates intense pressure, its effect created in a compressed into a moment of time.

The length of the gap, heightening our feelings by exploiting the difference between expectation and occurrence, can be created for example through contrast in sequencing.  After two impulses that were relatively close together or an impulse that occurs regularly, a longer unexpected gap before the next impulse creates uncertainty building up suspense.  It strokes fears in our body that cause the build up of anxiety, not knowing when the next impulse is going to come, yet expecting it none the less.

Feeling wise suspense is the buildup of anxiety/ pressure/ tension through uncertainty, fulfilled by a rush of relief caused by its release.  This can be and is manufactured! It is an internal emotion that drives us and is powerful enough to cause irrationality.

There is also a component of desire needed.  The more we care about the outcome, the greater the suspense. It works best when it is personal or one feels a deep connection with the subject. When we care or are invested in the outcome, it heightens suspense’s intensity.

There is the experiment of rats being fed.  When they are fed at a regular interval, they are calm.  They trust that the food is going to be there at a certain time.  When there is no predictability to the timeframe they are living on edge.  The body kicks in a natural preoccupation with sourcing its next food/energy and therefore sets anxiety to move us in different directions ands give us drive all in the name of survival. It is wild!

Risk is also a big component to the intensity of feeling in suspense. It’s the definition of uncertainty. How much is at risk? Are there adverse outcomes that I can / can’t avoid / take. It can be as simple as rejection to life threatening situations. The interesting thing is that our body reacts through the nervous system in the same way. And it is exhilarating, making us feel alive!

There are many exercises that I can put into dance to replicate suspense. Two people running at each other with the aim of stopping as close as possible. Two people moving together in each others personal space with the idea of not touching each other. Both have a risk, uncertainty over an anticipated outcome which sensually are engaging. The first has time shortened to a defined moment, the second - the longer it goes the greater its intensity. Each delve into suspense through heightening the senses.

Suspense is also a key plot component, working around the same feelings and principles as above. The difference is we are the observers instead of the protagonists. Key is an emotional connection to the situation. This makes it believable. Again, emotional connection is created through authenticity and vulnerability, causing a basis for care.

It all links together… ;-)

My Process Creating Dance

There are so many ways to create dance and choreograph. Each has its own strengths and weaknesses. While I was in Australia I had a few questions from friends and peers as to my process, asking for some advice, so I thought I would give an insight as to my approach. Though it can vary my first point is to search for meaning.

The first place that I focus my attention and thought is in developing an idea. I ask the question of myself: what am I trying to express? The best ideas stem from a need or a deep burning desire… When I am quiet and take the time and space to just sit, feel and observe myself, there is often something deep inside of me that wants to see the light. A belief that is important to me or idea or observation that is bursting out of my core. It can be something that I would shout at the rooftops if I was given a chance, a theme that I could sit and talk about for hours. I have an inner need to express it… rather than, oh, that would be a good idea.

Of course there can always be limitations to what one can do. But I see these as a good thing that push creativity rather than stymie it. Sometimes the idea is externally dictated. This means I need to find my own perspective relating to it or a personal interest within the idea. I take this perspective, own it and then explore its meaning.

There can also be certain limitations and criteria due to the commission, dancers, budget, space and or time available to create. The framework is there and it is my desire to always make the most out of what is possible. It’s not to say that I shouldn’t be ambitious or demand more, but to work them to their limits. Though this framework is there, interestingly enough, it rarely affects my development of ideas tangibly.

Sometimes the idea also can be influenced or even constructed from pieces within the framework. Certain people, places, the space to be performed in or a musical track can provide inspiration, but then the end I make sure the idea stands by itself. It can be a curious interaction between two sides that develop both parts, but the idea definitely needs to be set before I move forward. It gives the impulse and direction even when the destination may be unknown. I know what the next step forward is!

Next comes a process of creativity with many questions to be answered. What are the facets of the idea that I find interesting and would like to express? Where and how can I find variation or contrast? Is there a narrative that I am expressing to make my point? Does the narrative make sense? I search for meaning and connection. A lot of the time it comes through association. For instance, drawing mind-maps really help here to get a visual concept and then a story line / piece order. With the mind-map I am starting the process of filling in the details. It is a process of top down work to start with a central point and then expand it and develop it into the minute. This repeats itself several times at different levels. The themes that spring out are connected and broad, subsections of the overarching idea, themselves containing sub-ideas that also have their own details. This can be feelings, conditions of the idea, experiments, pictures, visions in my mind, musical pieces that I feel represent the idea, a form or type of movement (ie. improvisation, clearly choreographed, duet, group mirroring, following…). I collect all are possible parts that I feel express the idea and refine them.

There is also a movement quality that I am searching for that represents the feeling expressed. A natural association with the state and its feel. It is really important that there is an authenticity to the movement, that naturally anyone can perceive the idea simply by observation, due to its coherence and our ability to read body language.

The sequencing or storyline is sometimes preset. Should I have any influence on how it develops, it is an intuitive process. Basically I am looking to take the audience on an emotional adventure where flow and contrast are balanced to create suspense and surprise. All of it must be believable.

It is at this point that I move into the studio and come to movement phrases, musical phrases, floor plans, beginnings and endings. A lot of this is inspired by spontaneity, though it can be preplanned too. As long as the idea behind what is being expressed is strong, allowing creative freedom within the tangible creation usually works well here. It is spontaneous ideas, the desire to play and experiment that works well. I believe that groups and working with the actual dancers can create more than I can alone, so I also bounce ideas off the people I am working with, set them tasks and ask them how they would interpret the phrases of movement. There are many moments that are thrown out or reworked. It is simply a gut feeling and an eye that I have developed for what works and what doesn’t.

In the forefront of what I am doing is to create with meaning. This means that every movement has a purpose, or a text to it. For every movement I ask myself why does the dancer do that? Does it fit with the idea to be expressed? Its reason can be superficial or deep, but having one creates connection and authenticity. By doing this it is allowing depth and connection to what I am trying to say, here filling in the actual minute details. They are always first created in draft form, then over the rehearsal process, developed and perfected.

Yes it is a complex and detailed process and that is the beauty of it. It’s what I am passionate about. I love and enjoy every moment from the inspiration to seeing a performance come to fruition. The depth of thinking and engagement and the effort given is very fulfilling and personally rewarding as I go through this process. If I am creating 1 minute of dance or 60, it is still the same. The only difference is how much I can expand and explore an idea in its presentation (meaning what an audience sees). The background work stays the same.

As I go through my next creation process, I will post snippets of ideas to give examples of what this all means!

My blog

I guess if you have been reading any of the posts on this blog, there are a lot of ideas being expressed and thoughts that are going through my mind. Sometimes it is a need for me to express myself, other times I try to make sense of new things that I have learned, ideas that I find important. It’s my little place where I am “thinking out loud”.

A lot of this comes back to personal development. I feel the best when I am growing and developing me. It gives me purpose and focus. My own evolution is forward movement, a place that is exciting and comforting at the same time. Writing these words is mentally stimulating, driving further thought and making the ideas concrete and real.

We all have a unique experience and perspective on the world that we live in and each and every one is fascinating. We all have stories to tell and interesting ones at that. Life is not just full of surprises, but full of intrigue and exploring its detail, getting to know more and more is inspiring and makes me thirsty for more at the same time.

That’s what I am going to continue writing on this blog as ideas come to hand!

Coaching Ice-skaters

Over the past 2 years I have been working with the kids from the RSC ice/skating club in Wiesbaden. It has been really interesting and fulfilling time, split into the summer and winter training. Really I have been finding my own way here, as I have not yet met others who are doing the kind of work that I have decided to do with them. And it has been a great experience so far. I have learned a lot from the kids as I hope they have from me.

There are many similarities to working with dancers in the process but also marked differences. I have also drawn on my experience of working with actors and singers, but also just regular amateurs. The marked difference is in the background and the values in terms of what they are trying to do. There is very little knowledge and awareness of movement outside the direct elements that they are trying to perform and as they are children, the life experience is different to an adult so an awareness of feelings and depth of performance is still in its infancy. So therefore there are two sides I have found important to work on — giving them an understanding for movement and an understanding of performance.

My immediate task in the winter months with the ice-skaters has been to work on their presentation in regards to their routines, to develop their performance quality. What has been explained to me, is that there is an amount of points that (should they complete the elements successfully) everyone gets in their competitions to do with technique, so where they can get an advantage is in the performance aspect, ie. presentation, movement quality, musicality… etc. So this is where I come in.

A lot of the following comments are general and the focus varies from child to child. I am working on the ice with the age groups 8-18 years old.

Often there is such a focus on technique that the children have almost no awareness for performance. When asked about it, It’s quite basic and rudimentary what they explain to me… that they should smile… and have tension/presence in their body. Even when the explicit intent of going through their routine with a focus on performance, instead of jumps and turns is there on occasion they will show some glimpses of presentation, that disappears after a few seconds as the next technical element comes into their mind (and the preparation for it). It’s not unusual to see them straining, as the technical elements are often at the edge of their ability and until they have mastered them (which can take the whole season) there is a sense of being overwhelmed.

Should this be the case, before it is even possible to work on presentation, some awareness exercises are necessary just to pull them back into themselves. Often as simple as getting them to breathe! Or having them open their eyes and with a soft focus take in their surroundings. The exercises bring them back into the present and allow them to be open to even talking about performance

The focus I have on the ice is coaching them one on one about performance/presentation taking about 5-10 mins for each child. It’s enough to get ideas across and give them something to work on for the next week. Because of my time constraints with other classes I teach, I only see them once a week, but I still feel my input is quite valuable. So what are the things I am looking at?

My first instinct is to ask them what the routine is about? Is it a story or a character? Is there feeling that they are trying to express? Is it inspired by the music? There are of course various answers and each individual is different, from the idea behind their routine and how it has developed over the season (as to my surprise, the routines can change quite a bit!). Most often the first response I get is blank… but after some suggestive impulses, ideas start flowing in their minds. It’s a start. It’s the macro or overarching theme that once established and “agreed upon”, can then be filled in with details.

The next part is going through the movements and defining them, fast - slow, strong - soft etc. and at the same time scripting what each movement is about. It is creating an association to each movement so that it has intent and purpose. Sometimes it’s pictures, sometimes it’s feelings, but each movement has an idea or an association. This comes back to the fact that we are always expressing something with our bodies whether we are conscious of it or not! So it is to give each movement no matter how large or small, important or not a clear image and one that fits and makes it look organic.

Something that I have also found quite valuable is looking at the moments when they are still and there is little choreography and to give them a greater presence and focus. While the technical elements can need concentration, the moments where there are more relaxed steps, there is scope to amplify the expression side of their performance.

This all does take time, but it is really worth it! For me watching and not being an expert at ice-skating, there is a huge difference in performance because though the jumps and spins are amazing, I still want to see real people instead of machines performing on the ice.

Then from week to week it is about holding them accountable and reminding them what they are trying to express. This is tough. I liken the performance side to a muscle — if you don’t work it, it won’t develop or get stronger. It’s tough due to the size at hand of processing so much information as well as mastering the technique. And definitely in the beginning, as holding a feeling for a two minute routine where one is thinking about many other aspects takes practice and effort. It needs to be done every time, which is of course not what happens. We often have two steps forward, one step back moments where I sometimes wonder where all the work that I have done with them has gone. But then I also get big surprises, where suddenly situations where I feel I am getting nowhere, blossom to life. It’s part of the challenge and a fulfilling one at that. It’s where I learn and grow with each individual, as the concept of how I work with them stays the same, but the approach and information they need to take the next step forward varies immensely!

There is also a lot to be said for the approach that they take to their routine. In a high performance, competitive sport there is a lot of pressure to improve, develop and deliver. But there is a lot to be said for the kids who have the ability to play with their routines. Yes they are trying to perfect a routine and present the best performance possible, but in training, an approach of trying things out, finding ones own way, consciously varying slightly movements and seriously playing in a relaxed manner does wonders. Effort is needed, but the effort that grows rather than restricts. And an ability to play allows it to be!

Melbourne

Melbourne!  Well I’m here.  There is something about returning to my home town, the place where I grew up that is soothing to my soul.  It’s interesting because it’s a part of my identity and travelling here is going back to my roots.  It feels a like a pilgrimage to come back here.  These trips are also like markers.  When I first left Australia, I use to come every year in the European summer break - Melbourne winter and so it did really represent a year of my life.  These days it has been every two years and now in summer for Christmas.  It’s the middle of a European year, but it is a marker all the same. I use the time also to really reflect on where I am at, what I have achieved and where to now. There are always so many questions to answer and the time, space and support in being around my family and familiar comfortable surroundings really do help.

In being in Melbourne, there is something more that I connect with here that is much deeper than the people I see and spend time with.  It’s familiar and reassuring.  I have now lived half my life away from this country in Europe.  The experiences and adventures I have had since I moved away have built my life as it is now, but there are places, sights smells and a warmth here that I will never cease to love.  The light in summer is breathtaking and bright.  The sun thaws and warms my heart. I love the brown dry climate and the ruggedness of the Australian bush.  And then there is the space. The sense that space is limitless, unbounded and a perception of physical freedom. I always have a much better connection with space here, being able to run or move without feeling that the wall is close by.

After such a long time away and such infrequent visits of late, my connections here and friendships have suffered.  Like anything they need effort if there is to be any growth and I just haven’t been putting that effort in.  But I do really appreciate the time I spend with my family here.  I also notice that I read the body language of people easier in Australia.  It’s so familiar and tells me a lot more about how people think and feel.  It is of course what I grew up with!

There are some values in my life that are the same and also some that have changed. As I reassess many parts of my life, I realise that I have changed and evolved from certain ideals that (a big generalisation) people here find important. It’s not good or bad, just different. It is what makes me Matthew and is unique coming from my own personal experience that no-one else has had. There is more to this thought too.

Living in a country that is not the one I grew up in, there is a part of me that finds myself not being/identifying with either here or there. Yet it hasn’t really ever bothered me either. As I left I always saw the move to a new country/continent as an adventure which life in itself is anyway. And the richness of this experience has meant that I have lived more and seen more and grown by being in different places at different times. I get back to needing to connect to Australia as an anchor point and needing to visit, yet I am rarely “homesick”. Perhaps the best way to describe it is, it is like a well that now and then needs replenishing. A source of inspiration to draw on that’s there when I need it.

Coming from Melbourne, there is something too about being in a big vibrant city.  It really resonates with me.  The energy of the place that has a buzz and a life of its own.  There is also a certain anonymity when going around, as well as a sense of endless possibility.  But it is the drive that really inspires me like a vortex. A faster pace of life that sits better with my natural rhythm. It’s also something to think about!

Growing up in this country I was instilled with the belief that I could do or be anything I desired.  That anything is possible.  A growth mindset.  Somewhere along the line fixed thoughts came in that limited my imagination. Perhaps it was me taking on outside prejudice or the thoughts of others, or even just trying to conform or seek acceptance. Or perhaps not taking failure well or even a lack of desire to push further against resistance when things didn’t work the first time.  Leaving Australia didn’t reverse this change in thought process directly but it did offer new opportunities that I am forever thankful for.  And it’s never too late to go back to a growth mindset which I am doing. Ironing out limiting habitual thought processes and beliefs!

Though my home is somewhere else, over 16k km away, visiting this place reminds me that I will forever, as in the haunting words of Peter Allen’s song “still call Australia home” .

Speaking with an Authentic Voice

These thoughts come from a couple of months ago doing another exercise out of the “Leadership step by step” book by Joshua Sprodek.

Speaking with an authentic voice. What is that? The idea of the exercise is to say whatever comes into ones head unfiltered. The same words that I was talking about on my post on my inner monologue. It is to express the thoughts that are my inner monologue, honest and raw, verbally.

I’ve been experimenting with this idea over time and it has had quite an effect. There are definitely times and places where one needs to be more guarded or thoughtful, but in all it does help to connect with people and breaks down barriers to communication.

I must admit, I have always wanted to work out ways to break down social barriers or just fears of being unable to connect with someone simply because I don’t know what to say.

To start off expressing an authentic voice, begin by talking to oneself in one’s own space where nobody can hear, just to practice expressing these thoughts. Then after a little practice starting with people one knows or trusts.

Speaking in an authentic voice actually has a profound effect. I feel like I am being myself more and perhaps others also sense this. I do express my opinions more often and it can cause offence. It does create sometimes some difficulties, but it also has a vortex sense of pulling people closer due to the honesty of expression in saying what is perhaps obvious, honestly and a certain amount of vulnerability that it fosters.

I have noticed that it’s not a great thing to do when I am highly emotional, which ironically is what I feel I need to do when I am in that state. It’s more a time to hold back a little until I find a sense of calm to sort my thoughts.

But in everyday situations it helps me to strike up conversations and be more open to others.

I do want to add something about my situation. I live in a country where the language is not my first language. As well as I can speak it and I would consider myself fluent enough to be understood on any idea I express, there are barriers due to my vocabulary or different social norms or also just the way that German people interact, the level of openness and connection.

Interestingly enough as I moved away from Australia and started speaking different languages I seemed to build connections with others quite quickly. And some of this I put down to only knowing a limited amount of words and therefore, pretty much always saying anything that came into my head. It was always very direct and concise, yet authentic at the same time!

Presence

As a performer I ask myself what is presence? How is it that some people command a room and others just blend in? What is it that attracts an audience to some dancers/performers and not others?

There is a power in presence. There are performers who when I see them just attract my attention. Sometimes it’s their physicality, sometimes it’s their expression, but it is always their presence in the moment and the vitality that they exude that makes me want to watch them.

I remember as a child watching older, retired dancers perform pantomime and being absolutely enthralled. Their stagecraft was amazing, perfected through years of experience and passion, and an innate sense of expression. The performance was riveting and I was on the edge of my seat hanging off every moment. One of the dancers, Colin Peasley, taught me on occasion and he was possibly the first teacher who focused on performance rather than pure technique. The wisdom that stood out was, “every movement has a text, saying or story. Make up a text for yourself and say it as you perform!” Wise words from a true performer!

I also remember seeing some male dancers enter the stage and lighting up the auditorium with their presence. Steven Heathcote springs to mind. This type of performance is still the most inspiring moments I've had watching dance. There is something electric about the moment that is switched on and alive. A passion expressed fully and authentically. An energy filling up the room and demanding attention. As an observer, in the moment there was no thought of technique or form, just an excitement about what they were going to do next.

Sadly presence is often missing in todays performances. I have many theories as to why. Perhaps it is not just one reason but a complex series of reasons. Or maybe it is just my perception!

• There is an extreme focus on technique and as I have learned and experienced myself both as a dancer and a teacher, focusing too much on the form leaves us with no mental capacity to focus on the feeling of a movement - where expression and presence lie.

• In schools and training, there is a perception that presence is a natural thing that you either have or don’t. “Natural performer” is such a throwaway line that says perhaps more about the teacher than the student. I believe in a growth mindset that anything can be taught / learned. It is perhaps less quantifiable - presence and expression than form and therefore difficult to measure. Also perhaps each individual has their own individual approach or need meaning that there are many ways to get there, but not all students need the same information or take the same path to improve.

• Dance has changed immensely and continues to evolve as an art form. Back 30 years ago it was much more of a presentation with direct focus to the audience. Now the philosophy is one of observation where the audience is in the room and the performer is being observed. It is presentation vs embodiment as expression. In presentation one could direct a dancer to smile, look out into the audience and capture peoples attention through their focus. Nowadays performance as embodiment means the dancer needs to feel the emotion and intensify it to bring the audience into their world. Sucking an audience in rather than reaching out.

I’m trying to theorise as to what it is that creates presence. As the word states, it is being present in the moment and alive when entering the stage. By being here in the now we enter a state of flow and fully connected with the role that is being performed. That requires awareness of the present moment and full engagement with its feel. There is also something to be said about filling up the stage with ones presence, projecting energy into the room and expanding to be passively aware of the audience.

By focusing on the feeling or text of what one is trying to express it changes the dynamic of the movement being performed. The greater the intensity, the greater the expression.

There is also a form of spontaneity to presence. It’s being there in the moment, flexible, engaging with the energy of the space and being able to react. Actually this all can be summarised broadly as play. Presence is the ability to play with the moment and movement, experiment and keeping it alive.

Emotional pain...

It’s getting deeper and darker here! Thought I would write about pain and suffering… it’s a feeling that is tough and one I totally want to avoid, but it does come up in my life and has it’s place. It’s a tension in my gut, stress in my heart and a general closing in of the world around me. My awareness is so limited and I jump into survival mode. I catch myself not breathing and need to consciously take a deep breath to get myself going again. Feeling hurt is a struggle. It’s emotional pain. I find myself physically curled up whether seated or lying down. I find myself in a place of inertia, hardly moving. It takes effort but does help to stretch myself out and rise up… following the breath. Small steps to get my energy flowing again.

Verbally, emotional pain is a really hard to thing to express and when I try I seem to get run over by emotions. A lot of the things I say are extreme and hurtful whether to me or others. There is something instinctive about wanting to hurt others, as if that would be a way to feel better. Because I’m hurting, I am going to make you hurt too. Perhaps it does help for a moment releasing energy in a fight response, though it creates pain for others. So in that sense it’s “valid” but can be very destructive. I think from hurt is the place where I have done most damage to my relationships. My ability to listen to someone else is gone and I only want to put across my own point of view. I can laugh now at conversations I have had where I have tried to express my thoughts and another has tried to express theirs. I often know what they are saying and realise it has nothing to do with what I am saying, yet I can’t bring myself to listen or respond because what I have to say seems so important in the moment! The pain talking and playing havoc with my communication skills?

It’s interesting the way pain plays out because we have the three responses - fight, flight or freeze… Freezing will most likely traumatise us. Fighting is pretty destructive, so flight is perhaps the best option. What I am thinking of here is emotionally stressful situations where, though my life is not in danger and such a response would be necessary, my body is reacting as if such a situation existed… it doesn’t know the difference. And so I have this instinctive nervous reaction. Perhaps the pain I am talking about areare two different things… one is the exact moment of the “shock” or trigger causing the pain and then second is the pain that exists and later needs to be healed. A broad arc at least?

As I sit and think of pain, I can activate the fight response by boxing like a prize fighter in the air. It feels good and well, I always win! It can get really intensive, but at the same time it brings a char grin to my face. I’m sure if I looked in the mirror my eyes would be twinkling!

I’ve also experimented with my daughter in activating the flight response. She use to struggle with a fear of separating in the mornings at kindergarten. She’d hold me tight and never want to let me go. By getting her to run and wiggle her legs in the air for a few moments (simulating flight/running away) she calmed and was fine.

I can remember too, myself, after arguments having to remove myself from the situation and walk. Get out in the fresh air - anyway other than here, to shout and scream for myself to let the energy go.

Another time I can remember my son being so frustrated at his homework that he broke down crying and couldn’t process a word. It’s interesting because he freezes pretty much and becomes physically stuck. I’m not really sure what happens next. It seems if he sits there crying, he can’t continue, but if he runs out and slams the door etc. he’ll calm down and be able to refocus.

What I find interesting is the physical process and how much it helps. I’m always amazed at the body, how much is instinctive and how powerful it is to self heal. It’s intensity of emotion and physicality - another way of expressing ourselves. Extreme situations, yet intensity seems to bring out more of us!

Good and Bad Stress

As someone who likes to be “easy going”, I am coming to terms with the idea of good and bad stress. These are a summary of some of the ideas that I find inspiring from Todd Hargrove’s book “Playing With Movement”.

Stress occurs whether we like it or not, but not all of it is bad for us. Actually stress is a stimulant helping us to grow. The idea that we can live without stress and just flow and be at ease, sounds great, but is actually utopic.

What’s bad stress? Stress that is prolonged, uncomfortable and beyond our control that in the end leave us weaker, depleting our energy even to the extent of being overwhelming.

And good stress? Challenges that are shorter in nature and within our control. Also experiences and tasks with adversity that is not overwhelming. They need a bit of will power and effort to resolve, but think doing a workout or taking a test, solving a puzzle or being socially vulnerable by speaking in front of a large audience. These all have an element of stress that through the process are actually beneficial. The stress is part of the challenge allowing us to grow.

There is obviously a difference between how people react to different stressors and the amount they can take. Bad stress for one person may be good stress for another and not necessarily seen in a competitive nature. Think how alcohol relaxes some people and makes others obnoxious…

There is too, a point where our systems get overloaded by stress. The metaphor of a bucket is great for describing stress and what/how much we can handle (resilience)… the bigger the bucket, the more we can take before it is full and we are overwhelmed. So small bits at a time are needed to be added to the bucket then released through sleep, play, relaxation, light exercise etc… daily, eventually through experience, growing the buckets size.

We are after all organisms that are continually evolving and changing and adapting. Our bodies and minds are muscles that we need to exercise. Since the physical body is pretty efficient, energy is directed into functions that are required. So when we don’t do something for a long time, the body sends energy to places where it is needed instead. Think going for a run… if we hadn’t been on one in a while, the muscles to execute such a feat would not be in the shape required. By then training for a few weeks with a gradual increase in effort, energy is directed to grow the muscles needed to develop this function. The body is truly fascinating in how efficiently it uses energy and how it works.

Another analogy to do with organisms and stress is how Gardners prune trees. They cut them back in winter so that they grow healthier and stronger in summer. Or non-fatal failure tends to lead to us growing and coming back even stronger (and / or wiser from the experience). So being subjected to limited / controlled amounts of stress is actually a good thing and something that we need.

Nassim Taleb coined the term “Anti-fragile” in his book to describe things which grow stronger from adversity, seeing it as the opposite of fragile - things which break from adversity. There is a certain flexibility to them that allows growth and change, rather than a fixed ideal or a permanent state of balance that eventually becomes brittle.

So I’m going out to make sure that I have some healthy stress in my life! Exercise, discussions of ideas with people of different view points, striking up conversations with strangers, challenging myself to learn new ideas… I’ll have to think of some more.

And definitely less of the bad stressors… lack of sleep, unhealthy diet (sugar!), social media…